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Volume III, Number 15: 6 May 2003

Bush Action Figures

Paul Corrigan

While sitting at my desk today, contemplating how one best complies with Loyalty Day, I had an epiphany. America needs George W. Bush Action Figures.

I am publicly staking my claim to this idea, which should be rolled out in time for the anniversary of September 11 and for Christmas shopping. A buff-looking Bush will come in any number of action outfits. My favorite is the fighter pilot because Bush is the world's Top Gun. It will come with all the gear, a fighter jet and a replica of the Abraham Lincoln aircraft carrier. Top Gun George will be marketed to kids of all ages. I also plan to make Top Gun George the number-one selling Halloween costume this year.

Cowboy George should sell well in Texas and the Southwest. Accessories will include a pickup truck with a gun rack, but no horse. The spinoff opportunities include cowboy shirts, cowboy hats, belt buckles, cowboy boots, and a new line of jeans. General Motors and Ford will competitively bid for the rights to customize some big-sucker pickup truck with the name, Cowboy George Edition. I'll need to do some due diligence on George's weapon of choice. We will be able to sell a Cowboy George Edition gun at every Wal-Mart in America. I envision two new "Toy Story" movies with Cowboy George and Woody helping the children of the Middle East capture Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.

Bible George will come dressed in a suit and tie, and will hold a Bible in his left hand. This figure will be marketed to adult Southern Baptists and Roman Catholics who adhere to the worldviews of Antonia Scalia and Bill Bennett. We can sell a lot of Bibles and dashboard Bible Georges.

Ideas are coming at me in streams, including books, cartoons, video games, and a theme ride at Disney. The Bush Action Figures could surpass Harry Potter in retail sales dollars. What better way to celebrate America than to capitalize on the Bush phenomenon? Those tax cuts are looking better to me already.